Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Ommmmmm My God

Hi Kids

Today is my first official day of work at the yoga studio. The problem is: I have to wear clothes that look like I am going to go into a yoga class. But stylish. My yoga clothes are either a tank and some pajama pants that can pass as yoga pants or these Old Navy halter tops that make me have cleavage a mile long. Probably not the look the boss wants to go for. So I do have a very cute outfit to wear today, but I spent the morning making chocolate ice cream for a farewell barbeque for two precious girls from the health food store. This is chocolate ice cream with a ton of cocoa AND dark chocolate melted in it. How can you not lick the bowl, the spoon, and anything that might have come in contact with the concoction? Now my dilemna, I am severely bloated and have to be at work in an hour with me and my Buddha belly. Do you think it will pass? How about frantic sit ups for the next ten minutes? AAAAAHHHHHHH!

I don’t normally care too much about my body. In fact, I think I have a pretty sexy body when naked. Nice ass, nice boobs, pretty good legs. The belly and arms are a bit wobbly, but I like to think it adds a feminine softness to the look. I know I shouldn’t think this about myself. I don’t have a size 2 body with a six pack and rock hard arms, but I don’t care. Why can’t we all feel good about ourselves, no matter our size or shape? If you dig it, then dig it, man. And we can’t blame this shit on the boys, either. I think they are much less critical than we are (except for the ones that don’t want to sleep with us). My husband doesn’t even notice my cottage cheese thighs. Anyways, back to my original point, I think I look great naked, but clothes don’t do us ladies justice.

First of all, the sausage effect: Why are certain pants, skirts, dresses, and spanx made to give women the sausage effect? By this I mean, everything is tucked and sucked in nice and tidy where the article of clothing is, but LOOK OUT where the waistband is! All of the stuff is just sucked up to the top and spills over, like you squeezed your ass and thighs like a tube of toothpaste and it all came out on your mid rif region.

Secondly: bras that are too tight or hold on for dear life giving us two things: 1. An extra roll of back fat. That’s hot! And 2. Quadro boobs (you know, when the cup cuts your boob in half and it looks like you have four boobs rather than two).

Third: Cap sleeves. Let’s wear a shirt that cuts us right across the FATTEST part of everyone’s arms, even Mary Kate’s. These shirts are meant to look like even a skeleton could use a few bicep curls. They are sick and need to be burned in a large Nazi-esque bonfire.

I think that is all I am going to go on right now, but this is a shout out to the designers to make clothes women can really wear. We’re all fine bi-atches. We can’t all be as unbelievably gorgeous as dooce, so get on that already. I’m sick of their ideas of “big girl clothing” being Cherokee and Sag Harbor (Reitman’s and Cotton Ginny for the Canadians). And don’t give me a caftan or some other muumuu type of crap. That’s a cop out and you know it.


Anonymous ALI ALI ALI said...

I heart Back Fat

9:35 PM  
Blogger madness rivera said...

I'm thinking you should just teach your yoga class naked.

1:04 PM  

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